beginning to feel it

So just in the last week I realized I'm beginning to feel the impending move.

Today is 90 days til I leave. I haven't worked out in three weeks, I've been shoving my face full of EVERYTHING and I've been binge shopping...several times. I have no money, lots of extra pounds and an overwhelming feeling of unpreparedness. I know I have 90 days but I SUCK at being accountable to myself.

I have also begun to realize a few things I am going to miss by going away. For instance I WILL hitchhike across the country with Jeepers Creeper to get home for Christmas. Christmas is HUGE deal to my family and the most important time of year for me because of this. I refuse to miss it. I took otu a place in my budget to add plane ticket home for christmas. But there are some things that I can't be back for.......

1) PIcking out the tree - After thanksgiving every year my family of five+my aunts family of five+ my grandma go to the Howell Tree farm to pick out our Christmas tree. We spend a couple hours running around finding and fighting over the perfect tree. We have snowball fights (if there is snow) and play hide and seek with Jenni's girls. I won't be here for this next year. When I come home for christmas the "perfect" christmas tree will be here and decorated.

2) Decorating the tree - my family is of the tradition of exchaning christmas ornaments and then putting them on the tree together. My grandma gives them to the grandkids and we kids give one to mom. I won't be here for any of this. Who will put the ornaments on the tree? Will they be up when I get into town, or will they just be left off?

3) Making Lefsa -My family is very norweigian and we still make lefsa. For the past few years Emily, Mom, Grandma, Jenni and I have gotten together and made lefsa. There is dueling with the lefsa sticks and fighting with potatoes and lots of baking and teasing. This family lady time is always good for a barrel of laughs and lefsa!

4) Birthdays - these aren't really a big deal in of themselves BUT the idea of yet another year going by where I'm not necessarily around will pass. When I come home Audrey will surely be talking in full sentences and almost two! Emily will be spending her 15th year without me and my brother will be turning 13! Also, we're adding to the family. When these kids get adopted in I won't be here to meet them or bond with them. I'll have a family that doesn't know me at all.

I understand this is all rather depressing and sad; most assuredly these are the kinds of things my parents are thinking of when they dread/resent me leaving. But I know this is what I'm supposed to be doing. This is what I want to do and this is where I'm being led to go. It's just that suddenly I'm thinking of all these things at once. This is bound to happen sooner or later I suppose. Whether I moved away intentionally or just happened to not be around it was bound to happen.

Growing up is LAME.